Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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