Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
