Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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