My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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