His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
