I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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