I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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