mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
