My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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