no, he came in my armpit
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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