got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
