that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
