my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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