I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
