My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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