Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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