Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Don't make out with my wife yet
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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