i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
