she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
