I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Randomize
