his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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