im about as happy as oj after his trial
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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