I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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