im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
