sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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