I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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