I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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