why do cheetos always look like penises
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
