I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
