he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
did i just pee glitter
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
