I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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