Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
