And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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