Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize