Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
