I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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