Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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