come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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