i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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