Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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