yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we made out on top of his cat.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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