Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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