I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize