So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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