I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
