I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize