I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
