I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
