I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
