Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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