i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
