I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
