so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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