My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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