I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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