Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sorry my hands just texted you
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
