Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
