It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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