Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
