You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
